Blogger claims I can upload videos now. I'll be sure to inform you the MOMENT I use this feature.
In other things:
Today I saw a (millionthn) Asian boy, roughly age 13, sporting a mohawk. Never ceases to make me laugh.
Despite it being rouhgly 5 kazillion degrees today, I was sweating a disgusting amount before I finished my mile walk home.
I read a lot of fashion blogs. A LOT of them. I noticed something--none of them are geared towards ME! ME! the girl who walks a mile to work every day, neither rain nor hail nor sun withstanding--what should I wear to make my shoes not ugly? How I am supposed to look both fresh and professional in August?
-for my own answer, thus far the best I've done is to go to the in-house gym in the morning so I shower before I go to wor and don't have to venture outdoors. This regime is not without its downfalls, ie, going to the gym at 7am with a hangover or even general sleepiness is not something anyone enjoys.
As with the books (TO WHICH I'VE RECIEVED NO COMMENTS) and reccomendations are greatly appreciated.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
In a bout of cynicism
While I was in college I never felt confused over my feelings for someone. I feel great affection for many people, but that isn't love. I ached for my lovers on occassion, but that too wasn't love. I'd dress up nicer, put on make-up, go to the gym, walk past the commons at a certain time--all because I was infatuated with that guy in my polisci class.
Senior year that changed. I started dating someone and fell head-over-heels--FAST. It was a feeling of desperation; I couldn't go on without it. It was a feeling of trust; he would never abandon me. It was a feeling of desire; I wanted him the moment he walked into a room. And finally it was a feeling of security; he needed me as much as I needed him, he would never go away and we would never fail.
Obviously, since I'm no longer dating this person, this cannot be true. But recently I've been thinking about it. He always claimed that he did not love me. He had loved someone before me and what he felt for me was not what he felt for her. I countered with the love-infatuation differentiation that naturally would be confusing for a 18-year-old college freshman who'd been jerked around by a girl 5 years his senior. What I felt for him and knew he MUST feel for me was different. Better. More meaningful.
But it wasn't, and perhaps I was the one who was full of infatuation. Filled with the attraction of reciprocal desire, infatuated that someone I was attracted would find me smart, caught up in the ardor of being needed. After the relationship ended, I, of course, vowed to never be so immature again.
So what do I think love means now? Respect, kindness, a desire to be with someone through it all, not just what's fun. Mutually acknowledged objectivity in what you both need and don't need. Knowledge of space--what's healthy, not just what feels good. Good sex mandatory--ripping each others clothes off not. In fact, despite believing earlier in my romantic career that celibacy was ridiculous, it can serve its purpose.
I think about these things and love, and I realize that my new mandates cause love to become more manageable and more...controlled. Is this love, or is this settling? It feels like a risk, trying to do it again, but maybe it is in fact the opposite in the form of a sick parody of stability replacing happiness. I feel sure, but perhaps my surety is and symptom rather than the answer; a lack of self-awareness on my part. It is humbling to think that that which I have accused so many before me of doing is something I could be faulty of myself.
...and then I realize I've just been eating too much chocolate today, its overcast and I'm incredibly bored at work.
Senior year that changed. I started dating someone and fell head-over-heels--FAST. It was a feeling of desperation; I couldn't go on without it. It was a feeling of trust; he would never abandon me. It was a feeling of desire; I wanted him the moment he walked into a room. And finally it was a feeling of security; he needed me as much as I needed him, he would never go away and we would never fail.
Obviously, since I'm no longer dating this person, this cannot be true. But recently I've been thinking about it. He always claimed that he did not love me. He had loved someone before me and what he felt for me was not what he felt for her. I countered with the love-infatuation differentiation that naturally would be confusing for a 18-year-old college freshman who'd been jerked around by a girl 5 years his senior. What I felt for him and knew he MUST feel for me was different. Better. More meaningful.
But it wasn't, and perhaps I was the one who was full of infatuation. Filled with the attraction of reciprocal desire, infatuated that someone I was attracted would find me smart, caught up in the ardor of being needed. After the relationship ended, I, of course, vowed to never be so immature again.
So what do I think love means now? Respect, kindness, a desire to be with someone through it all, not just what's fun. Mutually acknowledged objectivity in what you both need and don't need. Knowledge of space--what's healthy, not just what feels good. Good sex mandatory--ripping each others clothes off not. In fact, despite believing earlier in my romantic career that celibacy was ridiculous, it can serve its purpose.
I think about these things and love, and I realize that my new mandates cause love to become more manageable and more...controlled. Is this love, or is this settling? It feels like a risk, trying to do it again, but maybe it is in fact the opposite in the form of a sick parody of stability replacing happiness. I feel sure, but perhaps my surety is and symptom rather than the answer; a lack of self-awareness on my part. It is humbling to think that that which I have accused so many before me of doing is something I could be faulty of myself.
...and then I realize I've just been eating too much chocolate today, its overcast and I'm incredibly bored at work.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Today's Round-Up
Given my fondness for lists, I'm thinking of changing the concept of this blog. More on that if I make a decision.
Congress is in recess which makes my job obscenely boring. The perk of this monotony is that I can read a lot of current events/news/gossip/film reviews/fashion magazines (oh, and study for the GRE). Things of note:
I Blame the Patriachy has an EXCELLENT run-down on recent pro-life/anti-abortion measures happening in local governments in the United States. In recent conversations I've had with pro-lifers, they have argued that the differences between pro-lifers and pro-choicers are mainly cultural (ie, religious) and therefore should be left to regional, local governments. The comment I fired back concerned the ridiculousness of this measure: why ban something in one area if the person in question can easily cross state lines? All you're doing is creating (again) an elitist system where only those who can afford the choice have it...and there again continues my ongoing war of elitism vs. feminism, results not yet tallied.
Wikipedia, which we all love and rely on for way too much information and hilarity (thank YOU, Stephen Colbert), has exposed the conspiracy of the corporate culture on information gathering!!! Ah, this reminds me of the lecture a (British) professor gave on Hurricane Katrina where he quoted statistics from Wikipedia, only to have one of the two American students in the class (this was while I was in school in the UK) point out that no one in academia would take a Wikipedia reference seriously.
In case you missed it, there was (another) Democratic presidential debate on Sunday, hosted by George Stephanopoulos as part of This Week. Hillary was a pleasant surprise (I have been a long-avowed Hillary doubter) while Obama seemed nervous (he who I DID love). Biden, always hilarious, and really Kucinich needs to get a reality check. But the overall feeling is that everyone is sick of listening to these people talk already. And I, for one, am very sad that some states are moving their primaries up. February used to be *such* an exciting month during election years.
I'm going to start a new (pseudo-academia) project looking into (mainly domestic) economics in the 80s. Any reading recommendations greatly appreciated.
Congress is in recess which makes my job obscenely boring. The perk of this monotony is that I can read a lot of current events/news/gossip/film reviews/fashion magazines (oh, and study for the GRE). Things of note:
I Blame the Patriachy has an EXCELLENT run-down on recent pro-life/anti-abortion measures happening in local governments in the United States. In recent conversations I've had with pro-lifers, they have argued that the differences between pro-lifers and pro-choicers are mainly cultural (ie, religious) and therefore should be left to regional, local governments. The comment I fired back concerned the ridiculousness of this measure: why ban something in one area if the person in question can easily cross state lines? All you're doing is creating (again) an elitist system where only those who can afford the choice have it...and there again continues my ongoing war of elitism vs. feminism, results not yet tallied.
Wikipedia, which we all love and rely on for way too much information and hilarity (thank YOU, Stephen Colbert), has exposed the conspiracy of the corporate culture on information gathering!!! Ah, this reminds me of the lecture a (British) professor gave on Hurricane Katrina where he quoted statistics from Wikipedia, only to have one of the two American students in the class (this was while I was in school in the UK) point out that no one in academia would take a Wikipedia reference seriously.
In case you missed it, there was (another) Democratic presidential debate on Sunday, hosted by George Stephanopoulos as part of This Week. Hillary was a pleasant surprise (I have been a long-avowed Hillary doubter) while Obama seemed nervous (he who I DID love). Biden, always hilarious, and really Kucinich needs to get a reality check. But the overall feeling is that everyone is sick of listening to these people talk already. And I, for one, am very sad that some states are moving their primaries up. February used to be *such* an exciting month during election years.
I'm going to start a new (pseudo-academia) project looking into (mainly domestic) economics in the 80s. Any reading recommendations greatly appreciated.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Feminism, marriage and other notes on a mother
It's a bit trite to post on marriage, but after the weekend I've had I've decided to reflect on the practice a bit.
There are quite a few women I've come into contact recently that are either getting married young, are young and wish they were getting married, or are ready/having children. I, at the tender age at 24, have only the vaguest thought concerning these events with regards to myself sometime in the next 10 or so years. I can't claim the authority of this woman, however, the more I see this marriage thing going on, the more it freaks me out.
My parents were married fairly young and have very firm opinions on this matter. They are currently teaching one of those marriage-prep classes with the Catholic Church and this has only served to solidify their viewpoints. They firmly believe a married couple should have (or at least want to have) children, share all finances, and that all decision should be made jointly. Not to knock on them: my parents have an amazing relationship. They are an incredible team. That being said, their views sound ridiculous to me. I won't share my bank account with anyone; it implies a level of trust I have never had for a person. Distributing costs based on which partner makes more? Sure. Putting everything in one pot and divving it up based on 'need'? Seems doomed to fail a la communism...unless there's only one person working. And then you enter into the whose-work-is-more-important arena
Children: well, perhaps I'll go on about that later. What I really want to dwell on is the joint decision making process.
I dated someone for a year and a half. I've known many, many people who have dated/been married in my age group. This joint decision-making thing? Have yet to see it work. Unless both people are in the same career field, or are committed to living in the same place, it doesn't work. Someone loses out, especially in this 20-ish range. One person is willing to give more or has more flexibility, leading to feelings of insecurity from the other person, or the end result compromise is a less prestigious opportunity for the more-flexible partner. The real result? It becomes ridiculously apparent to all parties who is the more-dependent person in the relationship. Power disparities may be a fact of life, but I doubt any couple wants them on display for public consumption.
Some women are fine with this. I see many around me that are proud they didn't finish college/take that job/move to name-that-big-city because they decided to follow someone. I hear much less often of a man doing the same. While it is obvious that compromise is the root of a healthy relationship, why is it always the woman who has to give? Women, many feminists, tout their flexibility as one of the core components of 'femininity'--but why is this flexibility most often geared towards appeasing men? And finally, is it possible to have an even power-relationship within a marriage when these sorts of choices will need to be made?
There are quite a few women I've come into contact recently that are either getting married young, are young and wish they were getting married, or are ready/having children. I, at the tender age at 24, have only the vaguest thought concerning these events with regards to myself sometime in the next 10 or so years. I can't claim the authority of this woman, however, the more I see this marriage thing going on, the more it freaks me out.
My parents were married fairly young and have very firm opinions on this matter. They are currently teaching one of those marriage-prep classes with the Catholic Church and this has only served to solidify their viewpoints. They firmly believe a married couple should have (or at least want to have) children, share all finances, and that all decision should be made jointly. Not to knock on them: my parents have an amazing relationship. They are an incredible team. That being said, their views sound ridiculous to me. I won't share my bank account with anyone; it implies a level of trust I have never had for a person. Distributing costs based on which partner makes more? Sure. Putting everything in one pot and divving it up based on 'need'? Seems doomed to fail a la communism...unless there's only one person working. And then you enter into the whose-work-is-more-important arena
Children: well, perhaps I'll go on about that later. What I really want to dwell on is the joint decision making process.
I dated someone for a year and a half. I've known many, many people who have dated/been married in my age group. This joint decision-making thing? Have yet to see it work. Unless both people are in the same career field, or are committed to living in the same place, it doesn't work. Someone loses out, especially in this 20-ish range. One person is willing to give more or has more flexibility, leading to feelings of insecurity from the other person, or the end result compromise is a less prestigious opportunity for the more-flexible partner. The real result? It becomes ridiculously apparent to all parties who is the more-dependent person in the relationship. Power disparities may be a fact of life, but I doubt any couple wants them on display for public consumption.
Some women are fine with this. I see many around me that are proud they didn't finish college/take that job/move to name-that-big-city because they decided to follow someone. I hear much less often of a man doing the same. While it is obvious that compromise is the root of a healthy relationship, why is it always the woman who has to give? Women, many feminists, tout their flexibility as one of the core components of 'femininity'--but why is this flexibility most often geared towards appeasing men? And finally, is it possible to have an even power-relationship within a marriage when these sorts of choices will need to be made?
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Tagged?
I didn't think I was in the blogging world enough to be 'tagged' for something. I recognize this for the plea that it is (MEOKAT WHY HAVEN'T YOU POSTED IN FOREVER).
ANYWAY eight things about me:
1) I have a slight obsession with my hands, but more specifically my nails. I've received compliments on my nails for as long as I can remember, and the combination of playing tennis and the piano in high school made me really anal about keeping my hands and nails clean and looking nice. The fact that I can't afford manicures on a regular basis often drives me up the wall.
2) I can't leave a kitchen dirty. I'm always convinced a million germs and molds are growing there and will eat me in my sleep.
3) I have a boyfriend who just started a blog and I lied and told him I don't have one and I think blogs are dumb. http://thingsonthings.wordpress.com/ Ssshhh don't tell.
4) I like to make up stories of people that I walk by on the way to work.
5) I really like shoes...which leads me too...
6) I would love to go back to England and see the people I went to school with. But I keep buying shoes.
7) I wish I was more creative but every time I start something I get bored very quickly
8) I'm not tagging anyone because I haven't posted in months and it would be, frankly, embarassing.
UPDATE FOR REALS SOMETIME SOON (soon-ish)
ANYWAY eight things about me:
1) I have a slight obsession with my hands, but more specifically my nails. I've received compliments on my nails for as long as I can remember, and the combination of playing tennis and the piano in high school made me really anal about keeping my hands and nails clean and looking nice. The fact that I can't afford manicures on a regular basis often drives me up the wall.
2) I can't leave a kitchen dirty. I'm always convinced a million germs and molds are growing there and will eat me in my sleep.
3) I have a boyfriend who just started a blog and I lied and told him I don't have one and I think blogs are dumb. http://thingsonthings.wordpress.com/ Ssshhh don't tell.
4) I like to make up stories of people that I walk by on the way to work.
5) I really like shoes...which leads me too...
6) I would love to go back to England and see the people I went to school with. But I keep buying shoes.
7) I wish I was more creative but every time I start something I get bored very quickly
8) I'm not tagging anyone because I haven't posted in months and it would be, frankly, embarassing.
UPDATE FOR REALS SOMETIME SOON (soon-ish)
Thursday, May 03, 2007
I've decided I'm not working today
Oh yes, I'm at work. But I'm more or less taking the day off and just sitting at my desk. It's been a busy week and I'm boycotting it today. Besides, it will leave with me enough to do tomorrow to hopefully make Friday fly by.
It's been, oh my!! over two weeks since I posted. Sorry about that.
Funny things:
It's been, oh my!! over two weeks since I posted. Sorry about that.
Funny things:
- I saw a bum peeing in an alleyway. When he saw me, he said, 'I's sorry, I just had to go!'
- I was walking down the street carrying a Scrabble board and a guy yelled at me, "Scrabble?? I can't even SPELL!"
- I'm taking up tennis again.
- I've become addicted to Naked smoothies (very similar to Innocent smoothies in the UK) which is a slight problem because they're a bit expensive
- I've stopped reading political things and started reading a lot about fashion
Monday, April 23, 2007
Oops!
Something amazing just happened.
A group of 5 people from the South African parliament walked into my office looking for a room for a meeting. It wasn't one of the rooms in my office, so I looked them up in our room reservation system, but didn't see anything. The group had a phone number, so I called it to try and help them out.
Me: Hello, this is Kat from ***. I'm calling because I have a group from South Africa in my office that is looking for a meeting in X room at 1:30. They have your phone number as a contact. Do you know anything about this?
Woman: Oh yes, they're expected by Mr. Z at 1:30.
Me: Ok, where should I send them for the meeting? I don't know where this room is...
Woman: The meeting isn't till 1:30. They have loads of time. Don't send them over yet!
Me: ....It's 1:30 now.
Woman: No it isn't!! It's 10:30!!!
Me: No..it's 1:30. (pause) Wait, where are you?
Woman: Where are you? I'm in the Washington State legislature.
Me: I'm in Washington, DC.
Together: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Man, that really sucks.
A group of 5 people from the South African parliament walked into my office looking for a room for a meeting. It wasn't one of the rooms in my office, so I looked them up in our room reservation system, but didn't see anything. The group had a phone number, so I called it to try and help them out.
Me: Hello, this is Kat from ***. I'm calling because I have a group from South Africa in my office that is looking for a meeting in X room at 1:30. They have your phone number as a contact. Do you know anything about this?
Woman: Oh yes, they're expected by Mr. Z at 1:30.
Me: Ok, where should I send them for the meeting? I don't know where this room is...
Woman: The meeting isn't till 1:30. They have loads of time. Don't send them over yet!
Me: ....It's 1:30 now.
Woman: No it isn't!! It's 10:30!!!
Me: No..it's 1:30. (pause) Wait, where are you?
Woman: Where are you? I'm in the Washington State legislature.
Me: I'm in Washington, DC.
Together: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Man, that really sucks.
Friday, April 13, 2007
YUM Caffeine
I very heartily apologize for being such a wet blanket in that last post.
Moving on....
I sent a dish of mussels back to the kitchen at a restaurant I went to last night. It was a turning point in my life, I feel. I was polite, but firm. And they were taken off my bill without me even asking.
I saw a random punk band last night that was pretty entertaining. AWESOME.
These two Australians came to hang out with me in my office because they think I'm gorgeous. Ok I'm lying. Actually they had a meeting with me regarding an event they're planning. But they were really lovely. And the one was quite cute--and wearing a green polka-dot tie!!! Adorable!! They 'invited' me to an embassy party-we'll see if that happens. Here's hoping. They DID hang out for like a half hour AFTER the meeting was over, so I'm going to keep thinking they liked me. And that the cute one was sporting a little crush.
I got a little drunk and made fun of my roommate's current victim. I use the word victim in the truest sense possible. To be fair--the poor girl has had a rough time with relationships and an even rougher time getting over them. So she dates boys that will make her the complete center of attention and patronize her every need. Then she chews them up and spits them out, thus far before any 'I love yous' are spoken.
Eh, its better than sleeping with a different guy every night and getting some funky disease, I guess.
Don't read this next sentence if you're the type who will vomit over sappiness.
My boyfriend is great, and here's why: last night I went to be a little earlier than him, but was still half awake when he crawled in. He leans over, cuddles me, gives me a kiss and says "Cute! Yum!" before firmly tucking my head into his shoulder and passing out.
*blissful sigh*
Now if I could just stop having the nightmares where he calls me an awful person and says he never wants to speak to me again.
jk.
not really.
Moving on....
I sent a dish of mussels back to the kitchen at a restaurant I went to last night. It was a turning point in my life, I feel. I was polite, but firm. And they were taken off my bill without me even asking.
I saw a random punk band last night that was pretty entertaining. AWESOME.
These two Australians came to hang out with me in my office because they think I'm gorgeous. Ok I'm lying. Actually they had a meeting with me regarding an event they're planning. But they were really lovely. And the one was quite cute--and wearing a green polka-dot tie!!! Adorable!! They 'invited' me to an embassy party-we'll see if that happens. Here's hoping. They DID hang out for like a half hour AFTER the meeting was over, so I'm going to keep thinking they liked me. And that the cute one was sporting a little crush.
I got a little drunk and made fun of my roommate's current victim. I use the word victim in the truest sense possible. To be fair--the poor girl has had a rough time with relationships and an even rougher time getting over them. So she dates boys that will make her the complete center of attention and patronize her every need. Then she chews them up and spits them out, thus far before any 'I love yous' are spoken.
Eh, its better than sleeping with a different guy every night and getting some funky disease, I guess.
Don't read this next sentence if you're the type who will vomit over sappiness.
My boyfriend is great, and here's why: last night I went to be a little earlier than him, but was still half awake when he crawled in. He leans over, cuddles me, gives me a kiss and says "Cute! Yum!" before firmly tucking my head into his shoulder and passing out.
*blissful sigh*
Now if I could just stop having the nightmares where he calls me an awful person and says he never wants to speak to me again.
jk.
not really.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
All I want is to be thin and have nice clothes
Good LORD has it been boring. boring boring boring boring boring.
Last weekend I went home for Easter. Ate lots of food, got a book, a new steamer pot, some new knives, two new pairs of shoes and two skirts for work.
In case it isn't ridiculously obvious I have a thing for shopping.
This week, despite being in session, work is boring boring boring and there's nothing to do. A project that I'm supposed to be working on is on hold because the person I'm working on it with doesn't have his act together (and yes, he gets a harassing phone call EVERY DAY). My coworker doesn't need any help because his responsibilities are also boring boring boring. I'm tired of obsessing over new-relationship because frankly everything is dandy. I keep looking for jobs but then balk at applying for them because I've only been in my current one for 5 months and maybe I don't really WANT a job that's going to require things like actually earning my paycheck and working overtime. Which leads me to the point of this rant:
I think I want to get married. To someone rich. Who will finance my shopping and traveling needs and not be a pain in the ass to be around. I'm not looking for love here. Just some freedom from working boring jobs. And we all know that money=freedom=happiness=lots of shopping=personal trainer=gorgeous body so I can attract men who are amazing in bed, thereby reducing the need for said rich man to be attractive or virile (I think I spelled that wrong).
Sorry, current awesome boyfriend who is also fabulous in bed BUT doesn't make 7 figures a year: you're out. Maybe we can work something and you can be my man-on-the-side.
WHY IS IT ONLY THURSDAY.
Last weekend I went home for Easter. Ate lots of food, got a book, a new steamer pot, some new knives, two new pairs of shoes and two skirts for work.
In case it isn't ridiculously obvious I have a thing for shopping.
This week, despite being in session, work is boring boring boring and there's nothing to do. A project that I'm supposed to be working on is on hold because the person I'm working on it with doesn't have his act together (and yes, he gets a harassing phone call EVERY DAY). My coworker doesn't need any help because his responsibilities are also boring boring boring. I'm tired of obsessing over new-relationship because frankly everything is dandy. I keep looking for jobs but then balk at applying for them because I've only been in my current one for 5 months and maybe I don't really WANT a job that's going to require things like actually earning my paycheck and working overtime. Which leads me to the point of this rant:
I think I want to get married. To someone rich. Who will finance my shopping and traveling needs and not be a pain in the ass to be around. I'm not looking for love here. Just some freedom from working boring jobs. And we all know that money=freedom=happiness=lots of shopping=personal trainer=gorgeous body so I can attract men who are amazing in bed, thereby reducing the need for said rich man to be attractive or virile (I think I spelled that wrong).
Sorry, current awesome boyfriend who is also fabulous in bed BUT doesn't make 7 figures a year: you're out. Maybe we can work something and you can be my man-on-the-side.
WHY IS IT ONLY THURSDAY.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Call me well-adjusted
I'm doomed. Completely, totally and UTTERLY doomed.
He said, glowingly, "You must be the most well-adjusted person I've ever met."
Uh-oh.
At first, I was pleased. This means 1) He's dated weirdos with psychological problems and while I CAN be a bit weird there is nothing psychologically wrong with me in the needs-medication-hospitalization sense which leads us to 2) I just became a lot more awesome in his eyes. Less hassle, not in a I-can-ignore-you-now way but more along the lines of I-don't-need-to-second-guess-everything-I-saw-because-you're-crazy-neurotic way. No lose situation here. Take the compliment, Kat, and just love it.
But now, in the past week, I think I've hit a snag: yes, I'm well-adjusted. Generally a stable, logical person. There's a GIANT GIANT flaw in where I DO act neurotic:
1) When I start to really care for someone leading to...
2) I'm...um..how shall we say? I like the word POSSESSIVE
NOT JEALOUS. I don't throw fits of weeping and worry every second that he's going to cheat on me or that's I'm inferior because I'm jealous of someone else no no no. NOTHING like that. But goddmanit when your 4-year-long-relationship-ex who you've been broken up with for a year but kept sleeping with AFTER you broke up with her AND you still consider her to be one of your closest friends comes into town for an extended weekend....
HOW'S A GIRL SUPPOSED TO REACT?!?!?!
But I didn't. I kept it subdued, minimal, said nearly nothing, in fact. It's not that I think he's going to cheat on me (she's here this weekend and I'm not grrrrr), I fully trust he won't. I've seen pictures; I know I'm more attractive. I'm DEFINATELY less pyscho. But I'm still annoyed about it. Annoyed that I got the impression that he wouldn't have told me if I didn't end up naked in his bed yesterday and as a not-so-subtle way of saying I can't spend the night he says he's going out for drinks with her (to be fair, it was only 6pm and I had plans anyway but STILL). Add to that she's probably staying through the weekend and I'm not here. Add to THAT since I'm going out of town till Tuesday silly me ASSUMED he would want to hang out Thursday night before I left but since SHE'S in town that's probably not going to happen and he actually had the AUDACITY to say "well, if you want to hang out I guess you could give me a call"
That was my moment. My moment, as I'm re-clothing myself, of great anger where I turned around, laughed at him, and said, "No. I'm not calling you tomorrow. Don't be an idiot. You have 'someone' in town."
After all, its only been two months I BARELY have room to claim him for my own yet LET ALONE pull the flip-out my brain my mentally doing.
I need to go for a run.
He said, glowingly, "You must be the most well-adjusted person I've ever met."
Uh-oh.
At first, I was pleased. This means 1) He's dated weirdos with psychological problems and while I CAN be a bit weird there is nothing psychologically wrong with me in the needs-medication-hospitalization sense which leads us to 2) I just became a lot more awesome in his eyes. Less hassle, not in a I-can-ignore-you-now way but more along the lines of I-don't-need-to-second-guess-everything-I-saw-because-you're-crazy-neurotic way. No lose situation here. Take the compliment, Kat, and just love it.
But now, in the past week, I think I've hit a snag: yes, I'm well-adjusted. Generally a stable, logical person. There's a GIANT GIANT flaw in where I DO act neurotic:
1) When I start to really care for someone leading to...
2) I'm...um..how shall we say? I like the word POSSESSIVE
NOT JEALOUS. I don't throw fits of weeping and worry every second that he's going to cheat on me or that's I'm inferior because I'm jealous of someone else no no no. NOTHING like that. But goddmanit when your 4-year-long-relationship-ex who you've been broken up with for a year but kept sleeping with AFTER you broke up with her AND you still consider her to be one of your closest friends comes into town for an extended weekend....
HOW'S A GIRL SUPPOSED TO REACT?!?!?!
But I didn't. I kept it subdued, minimal, said nearly nothing, in fact. It's not that I think he's going to cheat on me (she's here this weekend and I'm not grrrrr), I fully trust he won't. I've seen pictures; I know I'm more attractive. I'm DEFINATELY less pyscho. But I'm still annoyed about it. Annoyed that I got the impression that he wouldn't have told me if I didn't end up naked in his bed yesterday and as a not-so-subtle way of saying I can't spend the night he says he's going out for drinks with her (to be fair, it was only 6pm and I had plans anyway but STILL). Add to that she's probably staying through the weekend and I'm not here. Add to THAT since I'm going out of town till Tuesday silly me ASSUMED he would want to hang out Thursday night before I left but since SHE'S in town that's probably not going to happen and he actually had the AUDACITY to say "well, if you want to hang out I guess you could give me a call"
That was my moment. My moment, as I'm re-clothing myself, of great anger where I turned around, laughed at him, and said, "No. I'm not calling you tomorrow. Don't be an idiot. You have 'someone' in town."
After all, its only been two months I BARELY have room to claim him for my own yet LET ALONE pull the flip-out my brain my mentally doing.
I need to go for a run.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The weather is gorgeous; here's what I'd rather be doing than sitting in my office...
Next week is recess. Thank god. I still have to come to work (of course) but I doubt I'll have to stay past 5:30 any of the days and it will be slow. I plan on doing a lot more GRE studying, an action that has quickly approached zero in the past month.
This week it got gorgeous. It's not muggy yet, its sunny (I miss my sunglasses) and its hovering around the 60s. Woooooo. Here is a list of things I'd rather be doing than sitting in my office:
1) Running
2) Playing tennis
3) Going on a picnic
4) Drinking margaritas outside
5) Playing on swings
6) Having sex
I'm hoping to be able to do all of these things this weekend. While racking up a credit card bill because I realized today I have $50 to get me until April 5th and no food in my house. Oh well.
This week it got gorgeous. It's not muggy yet, its sunny (I miss my sunglasses) and its hovering around the 60s. Woooooo. Here is a list of things I'd rather be doing than sitting in my office:
1) Running
2) Playing tennis
3) Going on a picnic
4) Drinking margaritas outside
5) Playing on swings
6) Having sex
I'm hoping to be able to do all of these things this weekend. While racking up a credit card bill because I realized today I have $50 to get me until April 5th and no food in my house. Oh well.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Pornography
As part of my brief journalism training, I was required to take a class in mass media ethics. We spent a week discussing pornography and the different interpretations of the word. I was reading the NYTimes today and saw this
..which immediately brought to mind my professor's accusation that pornography really isn't about nudity or sex, its about something that is unslightly and exploitative. It's about crossing the line between telling a story that needs to be told and sensationalizing a catastrophic event to emphasize the theatrics and entertainment value. It is, sadly, a line which is more often crossed in journalism than in porn.
I understand the need to tell this story, in fact, I find it an incredibly important story to tell. However, the photograph of someone shooting up in a ruined building on the front page of World section of the New York Times is shocking and sickening. Opening the article with a man crying over the 'youngest Afghan known to have H.I.V.' is disgusting. I won't even go on about the tragedy of the 'normal' person with H.I.V., the woman who was raped but can't go to a clinic for help because she will be killed for being 'promiscuous', or the hundreds of young men who just didn't know any better. All are equally as tragic--perhaps even more so--than this young boy. But they aren't as sensational, or sickening. This isn't news--its a ridiculous Hallmarkian piece of shit. It's not telling the real story; it's selling the newspaper.
..which immediately brought to mind my professor's accusation that pornography really isn't about nudity or sex, its about something that is unslightly and exploitative. It's about crossing the line between telling a story that needs to be told and sensationalizing a catastrophic event to emphasize the theatrics and entertainment value. It is, sadly, a line which is more often crossed in journalism than in porn.
I understand the need to tell this story, in fact, I find it an incredibly important story to tell. However, the photograph of someone shooting up in a ruined building on the front page of World section of the New York Times is shocking and sickening. Opening the article with a man crying over the 'youngest Afghan known to have H.I.V.' is disgusting. I won't even go on about the tragedy of the 'normal' person with H.I.V., the woman who was raped but can't go to a clinic for help because she will be killed for being 'promiscuous', or the hundreds of young men who just didn't know any better. All are equally as tragic--perhaps even more so--than this young boy. But they aren't as sensational, or sickening. This isn't news--its a ridiculous Hallmarkian piece of shit. It's not telling the real story; it's selling the newspaper.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
New underwear=personality changes?
Soooo back by demand, I'm posting. It's been insanely busy in the KatWorld so the moments where I get free time I'm spending it shopping or hanging out with flavor-of-the-month (who--wait a second--has actually been around for a while month as of yesterday!).
The shopping is getting out of control. This happens when I'm bored and don't have the motivation to do something constructive. Note to those who knew me in England: this didn't happen nearly the ENTIRE TIME I was there. However, 6 months back in the U.S., I'm back into this nasty habit. In the past three weeks I've bought:
1) 3 rugs
2) a coffee table
3) a chair
4) a new button-down
5) 7 new pairs of underwear
6) 1 bra
7) 2 new pilates DVDs
8) a new cookbook
In my defense, the chair and coffee table were presents for my birthday, the rug I'd been eying up for months and it FINALLY went on sale, my pilates DVD got scratched, and I only have those shitty Country Cookbooks my mom gave me when I moved. The underwear--while on the surface looks excessive--is in the face of:
1) new boy
2) new anti-thong/G-string resolution
3) anything I have that isn't a thong/G-string is over a year old
Why buy the non-sexy underwear when I have a new boy, you ask? It's part of my new resolution. As I reported a few weeks ago, I've decided not to speak to my ex anymore. It was a painful conversation, but I did make the break and I'm very proud of myself. Underwear enters this equation because anything I bought for myself over the past two years was with him in mind--I've never been much of a practical lingerie type of gal. So now I've decided to buy only underwear I like that hugs my butt ever-so-nicely. Because I like butt-hugging. I'm over the butt-cracking phase. While I don't really care if the new boy likes this change or not, it was encouraging to hear him say while he doesn't DISLIKE fancy lingerie, he's more of a girl-in-my-old-T-shirt-is-sexy kinda guy.
Yayayay. So that's the personal end. I'll post the professional later. Stupid work.
The shopping is getting out of control. This happens when I'm bored and don't have the motivation to do something constructive. Note to those who knew me in England: this didn't happen nearly the ENTIRE TIME I was there. However, 6 months back in the U.S., I'm back into this nasty habit. In the past three weeks I've bought:
1) 3 rugs
2) a coffee table
3) a chair
4) a new button-down
5) 7 new pairs of underwear
6) 1 bra
7) 2 new pilates DVDs
8) a new cookbook
In my defense, the chair and coffee table were presents for my birthday, the rug I'd been eying up for months and it FINALLY went on sale, my pilates DVD got scratched, and I only have those shitty Country Cookbooks my mom gave me when I moved. The underwear--while on the surface looks excessive--is in the face of:
1) new boy
2) new anti-thong/G-string resolution
3) anything I have that isn't a thong/G-string is over a year old
Why buy the non-sexy underwear when I have a new boy, you ask? It's part of my new resolution. As I reported a few weeks ago, I've decided not to speak to my ex anymore. It was a painful conversation, but I did make the break and I'm very proud of myself. Underwear enters this equation because anything I bought for myself over the past two years was with him in mind--I've never been much of a practical lingerie type of gal. So now I've decided to buy only underwear I like that hugs my butt ever-so-nicely. Because I like butt-hugging. I'm over the butt-cracking phase. While I don't really care if the new boy likes this change or not, it was encouraging to hear him say while he doesn't DISLIKE fancy lingerie, he's more of a girl-in-my-old-T-shirt-is-sexy kinda guy.
Yayayay. So that's the personal end. I'll post the professional later. Stupid work.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Ickity ick week..but with some nice icing
I can't decide what I think of this week; it's been so full of ups and downs.
At work I become more convinced of the ridiculous wretchness which is my job. I've even stopped being entertained by it. This feeling was furthered by the fact that I DIDN'T GET OFF FOR THE SNOW. I was so ticked. I thought it was going to be like an extra vacation. But no. Back to admin bullshit. On the entertaining side, I had a Crazy in my office that I got to pawn off on the office across the hall (hahaha...suckers) and there appears to be a power war going on between some of the high-ups around here...enough of a war that some people have come to me and asked me to do slightly suspicious things. Ha. I am more adept at manipulation that you fools and therefore can recognize it miles away. Go bother the interns. They're more susceptible.
On the upside there's a silly boy who I think I finally (subtly) convinced that I'm not interested in him as more than a friend...which I think has made him more relaxed and open around me. And it means I have a friend. I'm also becoming better friends with one of the girls I work with. She likes to tell me funny stories about ridiculous politicians. It lends more hilarity to my life.
But the big upside--surprisingly--is that a boy called me. A nice boy. A smart, funny, cute, weird, dorky adorable boy. We did fun things like look at cartoons and play in mazes. And I feel like I've actually been through this initial crush-smitten phase enough in my life that I'm not diving in too quickly. He's nice. And funny. And I like the way he kisses me. Yay. So we'll see.
At work I become more convinced of the ridiculous wretchness which is my job. I've even stopped being entertained by it. This feeling was furthered by the fact that I DIDN'T GET OFF FOR THE SNOW. I was so ticked. I thought it was going to be like an extra vacation. But no. Back to admin bullshit. On the entertaining side, I had a Crazy in my office that I got to pawn off on the office across the hall (hahaha...suckers) and there appears to be a power war going on between some of the high-ups around here...enough of a war that some people have come to me and asked me to do slightly suspicious things. Ha. I am more adept at manipulation that you fools and therefore can recognize it miles away. Go bother the interns. They're more susceptible.
On the upside there's a silly boy who I think I finally (subtly) convinced that I'm not interested in him as more than a friend...which I think has made him more relaxed and open around me. And it means I have a friend. I'm also becoming better friends with one of the girls I work with. She likes to tell me funny stories about ridiculous politicians. It lends more hilarity to my life.
But the big upside--surprisingly--is that a boy called me. A nice boy. A smart, funny, cute, weird, dorky adorable boy. We did fun things like look at cartoons and play in mazes. And I feel like I've actually been through this initial crush-smitten phase enough in my life that I'm not diving in too quickly. He's nice. And funny. And I like the way he kisses me. Yay. So we'll see.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Don't I Work for the Government?
How is it that the Federal Government has shut down, yet no one (including me!!!) that I know who works for it gets to go home?!?!
It's a sham, I tell you, and absolute farce.
It's a sham, I tell you, and absolute farce.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Sufjan Stevens
That's right. I got tickets. My roommate and I woke up at 5:15am, hopped on the second bus of the morning and waited in line until 9:30 only to be told that we weren't getting tickets. We were roughly 100 people away from getting tickets. Close, but yet so far.
But wait, Meo, didn't you say you got tickets?
YES. That night my roommate went out with one of her friends. While out, she met a guy. As a course of their conversation she mentioned our earlier ticket-fiasco. The guy mentions he might be able to get a hold of extras. My lovely roommate gives him her number, figuring this is never going to work out. Way too random--he would never call.
BUT HE DOES. And we get tickets. 10 rows away from the stage. The concert was amazing and might be my best memory of a concert yet. In addition to the fabulous music, there were chocolate fountains, candy and free champagne because Target was sponsoring the event (I know, I know I shouldn't love it as much as I did...but free cake and Swedish fish? Come on).
As a good sidenote, the guy and his friends seemed cool. So I might have some new friends out of the whole deal :-). Although I feel like that could be taking a good thing a little too far.
But wait, Meo, didn't you say you got tickets?
YES. That night my roommate went out with one of her friends. While out, she met a guy. As a course of their conversation she mentioned our earlier ticket-fiasco. The guy mentions he might be able to get a hold of extras. My lovely roommate gives him her number, figuring this is never going to work out. Way too random--he would never call.
BUT HE DOES. And we get tickets. 10 rows away from the stage. The concert was amazing and might be my best memory of a concert yet. In addition to the fabulous music, there were chocolate fountains, candy and free champagne because Target was sponsoring the event (I know, I know I shouldn't love it as much as I did...but free cake and Swedish fish? Come on).
As a good sidenote, the guy and his friends seemed cool. So I might have some new friends out of the whole deal :-). Although I feel like that could be taking a good thing a little too far.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Doesn't this feel good??
Hello blog! It's been a while!! And frankly, I've been a little depressed without you. Work has been difficult. Not for me, really, but everyone else in my office has been running around like maniacs and being stressed out so me, the lowest peon in the room, gets snipped at a lot. Not to mention there was a brief spurt of my favorite coworker going on a job interview so he might be leaving me :-(. I know our relationship has to end, being that we're both in a boring job doing admin crap we don't like but it had only just begun. Thankfully, it looks like he's sticking around for a little bit.
I've come to the 100%-total conclusion that I cannot cannot cannot cannot be friends with my ex. We talked last week (on AIM wooo) and it still wasn't a fun experience. It left me feeling overall hollow and wondering why were we ever together, what was wrong with me that I would be with such a shallow person who seems to have so little to offer me in terms of interesting conversation. Of course, its because we're not close anymore, we don't have intimacy anymore, we don't talk about anything. It's all a ridiculous CNN tickertape THE WORLD TODAY. In light of that, after now being broken up for over 8 months, I'm going to get the balls up to do the unthinkable: ask him to take the pictures of us off his website.
That's right. They're still there. They haven't been updated in over a year, and the vast majority of them include me-him-dating. They're a bit of a documentary of our romantic career, in fact. I haven't had the courage to bring this up thinking he would just respond with just-stop-looking or that the girl he dumped me for would get ticked enough about them to make him take them down. But no. It hasn't happened yet. So I'm going to say something. And then I'm going to tell him we're not friends. We're not going to be. It's impossible. As a friend counseled me this weekend: I need to stop beating myself over the fact I can't forgive him for hurting me. Sometimes its just not worth the effort to work at trusting someone again. There are better things to do with your time.
And that, my dear blog, will be how I will wash the remnants of this man out of my hair.
I've come to the 100%-total conclusion that I cannot cannot cannot cannot be friends with my ex. We talked last week (on AIM wooo) and it still wasn't a fun experience. It left me feeling overall hollow and wondering why were we ever together, what was wrong with me that I would be with such a shallow person who seems to have so little to offer me in terms of interesting conversation. Of course, its because we're not close anymore, we don't have intimacy anymore, we don't talk about anything. It's all a ridiculous CNN tickertape THE WORLD TODAY. In light of that, after now being broken up for over 8 months, I'm going to get the balls up to do the unthinkable: ask him to take the pictures of us off his website.
That's right. They're still there. They haven't been updated in over a year, and the vast majority of them include me-him-dating. They're a bit of a documentary of our romantic career, in fact. I haven't had the courage to bring this up thinking he would just respond with just-stop-looking or that the girl he dumped me for would get ticked enough about them to make him take them down. But no. It hasn't happened yet. So I'm going to say something. And then I'm going to tell him we're not friends. We're not going to be. It's impossible. As a friend counseled me this weekend: I need to stop beating myself over the fact I can't forgive him for hurting me. Sometimes its just not worth the effort to work at trusting someone again. There are better things to do with your time.
And that, my dear blog, will be how I will wash the remnants of this man out of my hair.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
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